Don’t force them!

Don't force them! 

When one of my all time favourite actor, Robin Williams, passed away, I decided to watch all his movies as a tribute. That is when I came across of his movies that all Asian parents must watch! 'Dead Poets Society' by Peter Weir! The main story line is about what could happen when parents pressure their kids to do something they don't like.  

As a second generation Tamil child, I was one the very few lucky one who wasn't put through the pressure of achieving what my parents wanted to achieve when they were younger.  It also enormously helped when I declared I wanted to become a doctor! But when the time to apply for uni came, I chose to do Egyptology for the extra 2 choices on my UCAS application. My parents obviously disagreed even though they knew I had a deep passion for it since I was in primary school. Having your own passion and dreams are 2 terms that most Tamil parents are not aware of! At the end, I put down biomedical sciences with my parents approval.  

When I got into biomedical sciences and not medicine, my parents announced to all family across the world that I got into medicine leaving out the 'bio' and the 'science' part because apparently that was irrelevant. Being a good, polite girl, I didn't want to correct that there was indeed a big difference between medicine and biomedical sciences. But it made me think why they felt so embarassed of me not getting into medicine? Why couldn't they show support when I was feeling down myself! Was my parents pride more important than their daughter's feelings? Some of my family members are now asking if I am a doctor yet. What do I answer? 

Later on, people have tried to convince me to study for another job profession since the science field wasn't a good money making career. However, what they don't understand it that it's not always about money but about passion! When you do a job you love, the job wouldn't feel like a job! To me, going into work daily isn't a hassle but it feels like going to my second family. Yes, my job is stressful but it doesn't look like the end of the world because of the love I have for my job. No, I didn't make it into my preferred career of being a doctor but I am doing a job still in the medical/science field. But for some reason, we don't understand the term passion! What is about Asians parents and jobs that can provide with money, status and pride? Why can't they see beyond doctors, lawyers and engineers? Why can't parents admit that we as children don't want to do something they wanted to but couldn't do? 

I have come across so many friends and acquaintances who do degrees or jobs which they absolutely hate but do because it was their parents wish and have lost their own voice and identity.  I have known quite a few who were forced to do medicine because their parents wanted to. The parents are now happy and proud that their child is a doctor. But you look at the child and you will feel sorry. After all, it's not the parents who are doing a job they not only hate but overworks you and not pay you enough! However, saying that,  I am quite impressed by the number of people who do a degree for the sake of their parents but then believe in them self so much, despite whatever other people think, and still stand for themselves and do a career of their own choice. And the result?  A well balanced diverse Tamil community. On one side we have the typical jobs and on the other now we have entertainers, professional photographers, entrepreneurs, animators, scriptwriters, etc... And the second group are also the ones that are more well known and respected to the society! Can’t parents see that when you leave your kids to do something they love, not only will they succeed but be renown for it. 

Speaking as a parent now, I can understand some of the psychology behind this. All parents want their children to achieve mighty things! All parents want their kids to achieve to their full potential! All parents want to provide their kids what they couldn't do in their childhood.  Most of our parents have wasted their talents and abilities because of our civil war! They were too busy trying to save themselves that they couldn't concentrate on anything else. Hence why they want their kids to not miss any opportunities! But this is where my understanding finishes. I am providing my kids with whatever I come across regardless of cost because I want them to try everything but the moment I know she is not enjoying one of her classes, I will make her do another term to really see if she hates it and stop that particular class.  I have lost money when my daughter changed her mind about her classes but at the end of the day, her happiness is what matters. When you force your kids into something they hate, they will do it but they won’t succeed!  The will do the very minimum just for the sake of doing it! 

As soon as both my kids were born, I didn't decide what they must become but I promised myself that I will do whatever I can to make them happy. We need to understand that they have their own passion and vision about their own life. You cannot force your dreams onto your child. My parenting is based on my experience as a second generation child in Europe. I will support my children in whatever they chose to do in their future (as long as it is reasonable and passionate about it) because I just want them to have their own identity, believe in themselves and for them to be wholesome happy individuals! More importantly, I want them to be passionate and love their life!