Maternal Mental Health

Last Thursday, I was invited to a launch event for a charity I work with -Best Beginnings. Best Beginnings is a charity that helps parents to be and new parents tools such  as the famous Baby Buddy app to help them through their parenting journey. I joined Best Beginnings 2 years ago after hearing it through twitter that they were looking for volunteers who had experienced mental health issues during or after pregnancy. I got in touch telling my experience especially how I wanted to raise awareness in the Asian communities. The next thing I knew, I was in the parent panel board reviewing videos and helping out at events. Last year, Best Beginnings was one of the 8 charities hand picked by Heads Together, a movement to approach mental Heath, headed by the young royals. I now had the opportunity to meet them twice to talk about my experience.

What is my experience? Well, before I found out I was pregnant, I was on a pretty bad state. So bad that I felt suicidal. I wouldn't talk to anyone and I was just surrounded by darkness. The only thing that got me through this was work! However, the day I found out I was pregnant, this darkness lifted off and I saw new hope in my life. I gave birth to my beautiful angel,  my lifesaver.

But nobody told me how hard motherhood was going to be. They only told you about the positive things. Laksha was the exemplary baby. she was truly a gift from God! But I still struggled. The loneliness wa killing me. Everybody around me was telling me how to raise my baby but nobody was helping me. I needed to talk to someone to know I was doing the right thing but as a young mum, people would tell that you shouldn't even have a baby at that age. What got me the most was evenings when Laksha's colickness will flare up! I just couldn't shut her up! My partner wasn't helpful either but I couldn’t blame him with his 0 hour contract work . I remember one evening where I lost it. Laksha was crying for a long time and I couldn't stop her. So I just screamed and screamed telling her to shut up until she did. I felt horrible! I felt like the worse mother. The next few days I avoided carrying her or holding her in fear that I will lose it again. But the first time I ventured out with her (in my culture you can't leave the house for a month after giving birth) was the best thing ever! Just the air and seeing people going with their daily lives was enough for me! It did me so good. Then I started uni and started to be my normal self talking to actual adults!

It was 1 month of pure terror of what I could potentially do to Laksha. It followed on until she was 3months but not as severe. It got so lonely and I was scared to open up to my health visitors. But I got through it. But I had to do it myself because nobody around me knew what was happening. And that's why I started opening up about my experience.

Going out even to the park did me so good. Finding me time is hard especially when you have multiple kids and no support around you. They tell you to sleep when baby sleeps but that was impossible for me. My husband will cook and clean whenever he could but with his uncertain job schedule, it was hard to maintain a routine and som weeks all of it fell on to me. We were desperate for money with me being a student and all of the living costs so my husband’s work schedule wasn’t negligible! It was tough extremely tough but we got through it. When my student timetable allowed, I will go to playgroups totals to other mums and just share motherhood experience which helped a lot! 

With my second, my son, I felt a bit helpless again because it was the same routine day in and day out. So I used the weekend to break up the routine and go out. Spending time with my daughter while my son slept was also a great stress relief! Talking to friends, even if they didn’t have babies, was great for my well-being too! 

Labour is the easiest part of becoming a mother. Motherhood is hard. Unfortunately, they’ll be lots of people giving you advice but very few who actually help. So look after you! Do what’s best for you!

If you are interested in finding out more about Best Beginnings and their amazing resources, check out https://www.bestbeginnings.org.uk/

British Science Week 2017

British Science Week has come and gone and since we couldn't find any events around us, we brought he science week to our house! As the theme was change, we wanted to do something different to what we usually do or have tried. So I've downloaded a resource pack for both Lucky and Mahi.

With Lucky, we built a whole weather station. For the rain gauge, we just cut out the top of the milk bottle and marked to side of the bottle with measurements. And voila! The next was an anometer to measure the sleek of wind. Great as it was so windy and we could put it to use later on. We used some  skewers to poke it through the middle of a cereal box and secured the bottom of the skewer with play dough. We then stuck 2 cupboard pieces across each other and popped through the skewers. We stuck 4 plastic cups on all 4 sides. It's now done! To calculate the speed, mark 1 cup and for 15seconds, count how many whole turns that marked cup is making. Then multiply it by 4 and you get the speed which is measured in resolution! Lastly, we also did a little compass to know the wind direction. Lucky has been measuring rain and wind everyday and loves it!

For Mahi, as he loves painting, we wanted to find out colour changes and what colours you'll get when mixing with them. So we used straws to blend colours in. It turned into a chasing game but it was a beautiful explosion of colours at the end.

A beautiful way to spend a weekend and the kids didn't know we were learning too.

Happiness

Happiness... such a beautiful word and a more amazing feeling but a word/feeling that is currently lost in translation. In all the atrocities we see around the world, it’s hard to be happy. When we depend on other people to make us happy, it's hard to be happy. But happiness is needed despite all that to be able to survive and tolerate this world. So what makes you happy?

What makes me happy is of course my babies!  They are days when you are about to resign as a mother but most days is seeing the world through their eyes. Ok maybe not through a 7year old eye because currently it's full of how the world is unfair and how people need to be more helpful to each other. So seeing the world through a toddler eyes is more apt. Although maybe not my toddlers eyes since it's full of vampires, skeleton and all things yucky and scary. OK, well I give up! You know what I mean!  Seeing the world through children’s eye is beautiful. How seeing your child laugh while an ant climbs her/his arm, how catching dandelions makes them squeal in delight, surprise on their faces when you take them somewhere special, etc....I love seeing my children happy! !

But I don't depend on them for me to be happy because I'm responsible for my own happiness. That's the point people are missing! They pick a job because it's well paid/parents' wishes thinking that money or fulfilling parents' dreams is going to give them happiness. Do you know how many people I worked with have quite their high flying banking jobs and came to work in the NHS? They sold their soul to money and in return lost passion for lives. That's why when people say to change sectors , so I can get more money and stop living in the edge,  I respond that my happiness is more important than money. I chose the science field because that's what I dreamt off since I was 6! Now that I got into a job I love but not as well paid as other sectors, I'm not going to give that up. I'm one of the few  lucky ones that does a job they love. I'm not going to give up on that! When Lucky asks me what I want her to become, I say whatever makes you happy. She insists though I tell her what she needs to become. I tell her it's her life and she can become anything she likes as long as she loves the work she does!

Secondly, I do things that make me happy. When people question why I volunteer and 'waste my time for free', I laugh at their ignorance. Helping others makes brings me immense satisfaction. True I do that in my profession too but there's something about changing your local community for the better even if it takes time. Unfortunately, for some people if it doesn't involve money, why do it? That's why we are in a world driven by the pursuit of money! Going out with my kids makes me happy. I get to be a child again. I get to experience things that I want to experience. That's why weekends and school holidays, we are never home! Because I love going out exploring and learning new things! I love dancing too! I always wanted to learn bharathanatyam but never had the chance to. So sometimes, thanks to YouTube, I learn a few moves! I love looking at some beautiful human beings! After all what is the point of creating some good looking humans when you can't appreciate their beauty!   Love 90s Tamil music which brings so much nostalgia and 2000s r'n'b somgs! I love acting. My bathroom has seen some oscar-worthy performances, I tell you, and have acted on stage and screen. I adore writing.  It started when I was 8-9 when I used my cousin's computer to write my first story of a boy discovering a skeleton in his attic. And the writing never stopped from then. I find I can express more by writing than by talking. Hence why the blog started! But my main love is reading! I can't get enough of books. It's such a beautiful way to escape the world for a little bit. What will I do without books? Thanks to Mahi, I’m now discovering my creative side and hope it flourishes into something more where I can develop my skills and learn more art forms!

Thirdly, I don't rely on people for anything. I'm one that does her job herself and doesn't ask for help from other people, even if it takes longer to complete the task. That to me means I won't feel disappointed. Because with disappointment comes sadness. So I don't rely on anybody to do anything for me. Except maybe a very few people in my life (that are staying in my life because of fate), I choose the people around me very carefully. If I feel that somebody is going to bring some kind of chaos in my life and going to inject their unhappiness in my life, I cut them off! That's why my circle of friends is small and family circle is even smaller!

Lastly, food! I love food and that's one thing that never disappoints me! It makes me so happy. Except when I dream about my special treat waiting for me at home and you come home to find somebody Inhaled without even savouring every single bite!! The disrespect to food when somebody eats like that makes me angry.

Happiness is a beautiful sensation that you only are responsible for. Why do we need to be dependent on other things/people to make us happy? Isn't this your life? Don't you have a say in what makes you happy and not despite what other people say? Why compromise on your happiness to make other people happy? I did that for the first 18years of my life and looking back at it, I don't feel it was me. That Sophie was the Sophie my parents wanted me to be. This current Sophie is the Sophie I want to be (although still in development). And you know what? Being me makes me the most happiest!

Brexit's victim

A post I wanted to write so much but they was no better time than now after the brexit bill has passed this week. The uncertainty and the anxiousness I've been feeling since 24th June 2016 has now turned into pure fear. I'm scared!

I was born and brought up in France and moved to the UK in 2001 as my parents thought it will provide us with more education/career opportunities. I completed my higher education, undergoing a post-graduate degree, got married here, my 2 kids were born here and worked and paid my taxes since I finished uni. I also volunteer and campaign endlessly on both local and national level about issues affecting young parents. Basically, I made my life here whether I liked it or not.

So when a referendum was announced about whether the UK should stay in Europe, I wasn't really bothered. I thought no one will be that stupid enough to vote out especially when jokers like Nigel Farage was backing the out camp. As the day got closer to vote, I saw debates and still didn't think much of it. The talks at work and amongst friends was always how it was ever going to happen. Laksha, my 7 year old, got really into it and watched some debates. She was dying to vote Lucky because there are "too many people who are going to waste their vote". Her views were "It's nice to have friends around and who will help you when you really need it" (she meant other countries helping UK and vice versa), "Mummy, I might want to study in another country for free", "I'll be very sad if my friends left. I like it when we teach each other our languages and traditions", "Mummy, I don't want you to leave us", "Mummy, why do they blame everything on people from other countries when it's the politicians who make the decisions for this country?" And that when I saw the other perspective of why people might want to vote out. But that scary thought only lasted a few minutes.

The next morning, I switch on the TV and thought I was misreading the headlines but I couldn't deny it. Laksha sneaked up next to me and started to sob asking me if they were going to throw me out of the UK and how will they cope without me. Although, I didnt show any emotions in front of her, inside my future became a question mark? Will I really be separated from my family? Do I need to start my life all over when back in France? And eventually got very angry. Is this how UK is repaying me for paying my taxes, making my community better for future generations? As I saw cowards resigning from their posts or backing away from huge responsibility and the country being under the control of someone that the public haven't voted for, I got angrier. Especially when they are no plans or explanations about that horrid phrase 'brexit mean brexit'!!! These politicians have used me and many other with citizens as scapegoats to jut get the votes.

Fast forward to now, I'm anxiously waiting to receive my permanent residency after filling out an 85 page long application form asking me eveidencenof what I've done for the past 5years. I have no idea what the outcome will be but as days go by and more and more scary things are being announced aborbBrexit, I'm getting upset and nervous.

I didn't wish to come here or to make  a life here but it was my wish to make this country a better place for my children and other children. But unfortunately, that's not what these politicians and the  majority of the U.K. population have thad in mind when they voted to come out of EU. They've just thrown out not only my future along with 3.3million other EU citizen but the future generation's too!

Embracing other cultures

It wasn't intended but when I saw it was Commonwealth Day toda, I couldn't delay in posting this blogpost. We are quite lucky to live is country which is multicultural. As someone who was born and brought up in France coming to England was a shock especially when I saw how they loved celebrating other cultures like Diwali or Eid! You don't get to see that in France. But it's disheartening to see such a multicultural country has voted for Brexit and seen an increase in hate crime.

That's where good parenting will help. As parents, we have the responsibility to bring up our children as well rounded. We need to teach them respect to ALL people regardless of colour, race, religion or ethnicity. If that respect is taught from the beginning, when they grow up, they'll only see people as people and not defined by any other things. I have never bad-mouthed another culture not even a back-hand comment because kids pick up things around them very quickly. As parents, we are setting an example me if our example is to be respectful of all people then they'll reproduce that. Tell also copy the opposite of that's what they see.

Which is why since a young age, I always take my kids to any big cultural celebrations! Of course w celebrate our Tamil events but we also celebrate everything from St Patrick's Day to Eid. Before I take them anywhere to celebrate a culture, I quickly research so I get facts right. And so like that, we celebrated our first Holi. Holi is an North Indian celebration to welcome the arrival of spring. I had no idea what to expect except that they'll be a lot of colours to be thrown around and to wear a white t-shirt. So off we went to a family friendly Holi event in the neighbourhood on a rainy Sunday afternoon. We were welcomed by lots of food and loud music which immediately got us into a dancing moods. There were lots of games for kids and at the end, for about an hour, all we did is spayed coloured water and threw coloured powder to each other! I had a blast and he kids had a blast.  We were exhausted but at least now the kids have expanded their knowledge now on cultures. It was a good thing too that we went because Mahi's nursery is v eh proactive in celebrating all cultures so Holi will be discussed and Mahi can now share what it actually is. We'll be celebrating our first St Patrick's day this Saturday (minus the 🍺) . All I know is that we'll be wearing green. I still need to do my research on why Irish people celebrate St Patrick's Day.

It's important to be open-minded about all cultures. I don't know what the future holds for my kids but al I know is that the community where they'll be living will be more diverse than it is. So by celebrating all these different communities, my kids have a better understanding of different people and respect each and every one they'll encounter. In return,  hopefully, the world will be kinder to them.

Fantastically Great Women who changed the world

I was so excited to get this book, mostly for me but also for the kids. It was a gift to myself, a treat, for International Women's Day. Written by Kate Pankhurst, a descendant from the mighty Emmeline Pankhurst who fought for women's vote, I couldn't wait!

So when I got home, there it was gloriously waiting for me. Well, when I say gloriously waiting, what I really mean is, the book is being angrily pulled and pushed between the beings I gave birth to. Once, I settled the fight about who's book it actually is, they calmed down, I allowed to have the first read. So Laksha eagerly started the book with her brother listening to her. Laksha was amazed at all the facts and colours! She kept saying "Mummy did you know...?" There were women on there,  I never knew existed and so broadening my mind. It was great to see women from different background being portrayed from Aztec to Jamaican.. Laksha was delighted to see her most favourite hero Mary Seacold being in this book as well as Rosa Parks and Anne Frank. Mahi kept banging on about the "dinosaur lady" and was explaining to his dad that some dinosaurs were also discovered by women and not all men!

Lucky and Mahi took the book to bed as they couldn't put to down and eventually fell aslee, book unfinished. Lucky finished the next day and she looks somewhat disappointed.  I asked her why when she looked so happy and big-eyed as she read women and after women. Lucky asked me a question that not only surprised me but made me sad. "Why are they no amazing women from India or Sri Lanka?" I think why she actually meant is that why were they no Asian women in that book.  I thought she must have had missed a page? Surely something might have been there - at the least something about the inspiring Sophia Dupree Singh who also  fought for women's right to vote along with Emmeline Pankhurst. But no, there were no Asian women in the book.


However, out of this revelation came another beautiful thing from my angel. Since there were no amazing Sri Lankan/Indian women worth enough to be in a book, Lucky declared that she also wanted to change the world. As I had a few tips we shared, we sat down in a cafe and discussed what she really wanted to change and how we can start making plans for it now little by little. Lucky wanted to change people ans then thought better of it and wanted to help with animal conservation which bodes well sonce she wants to become a zoologist and has always bugged to to donate to WWF. So our first step, was obviously to adopt an animal of Lucky's choice. And then the next step was to research more about animal conservation and preventing animals from being extinct. So yes, Lucky has a long journey ahead but at least she started at 7 so hopefully will see a huge change in about 50years if we are lucky?

Thank you Kate for writing this book about some amazing woman. Thank you for showing my son that not all discoveries are by men and there's always a woman involved in making those discoveries. Thank you  Kate for bringing to us women that we never knew about from different countries. But the greatest thank you to you Kate is for not including an Asian woman in your book because you have have initiated the growth of another amazing Asian girl who will turn into one of the most fantastically great woman.

Budget 2017

I tried very hard not to watch or follow anything about the Speing Budget announced on Wednesday but I couldn't resist to take a peak in the hope that some relief will come for working families like mine who are struggling to make ends meet. But alas, that was wishful thinking and now hope I could rewind the clock and be in my world of oblivion.

This government is banging on about how it helps working families but i think I'm missing the point unless to Tories the word 'help' means ' torture'. There's going to be another inflation with salaries barely going up. Living wage is rising from £7.20 to £7.50 but I still don't know how they came to the conclusion that amount is ok to live on! Meaning that instead of worrying which bill I need sacrifice this month in order to juggle day-to-day life, I need to now think of which billS , I need to avoid to pay so I can have food on the table and be able to travel to work. Life is so fantastic!!!

I don't know why we are being punished over and over again! We are hard working, don't claim any benefits and yet we seem to be going down faster and faster! At the last budget, I came to the conclusion I'm never going to buy a house. This budget now I could confirm that we'll be officially a working poor family! I just don't know how I'm going to stretch the money to accommodate all these price hikes that are coming to place and I'm not even mentioning Brexit and it's consequences!

Thanks to the government once again for making us poorer and poorer despite us working our arses off!

#BeBoldForChange

This year's theme is #BeBoldForChange and it was all about knowing your rights at work and standing up for them. To know how I stood up to my rights about flexible working, check my blog I've written for an organisation that is most dear to me and I volunteer for, Young Women's Trust: http://www.youngwomenstrust.org/what_we_do/media_centre/blogs/558_how_asking_for_flexible_working_hours_changed_my_life?utm_content=bufferdb632&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

But I wanted to discuss what I really thought when I saw the theme. Be bold for change to me means o stand up for what you believe in. The first time I stood up to for something I believed in was when I wanted to go to uni after a received my offer a day after I found out I was pregnant. While everyone around me was saying I could never go to uni with a baby in my hands, my baby bump gave me the confidence that I can study with her in my arms and I did without failing any exams and got a paid internship in research straight after that.

The second time I stood for something was as a class rep when nobody wanted to take action against a particular lecturer who wasn't really lecturing. Although it was too late for my year, I stilll wanted change to happen for the next year. So I raised hebissie and 2 years later, the lecturer has reduced his lecturing time! That's #BeBoldForChange.

 

The third time I stood for something as believe in led me to all the campaigning work I'm doing. How I got into it was Thriugh Young Women's Trust. It is a great organisation helping young women up to age 30 who are not in education or employment. They offer free coaching and CV advice and you can be part of a wonderful panel to meet other amazing women who are making changes little by little. More info can be found here: http://www.youngwomenstrust.org/. I thought of the time of when I was unemployed, not in education for a while and even when in 0-hour contract or with little or no pay jobs and struggled with my mental and financial health and everything I was facing as a young mother - from childcare costs, living costs and education while caring for my babies. I didn't  want my kids to go through what o went through and so so thought to try a make a change before they grow up. They was so much that needed to be changed before they became teenagers so I had to get on with the huge tasks that was ahead of me. Starting with young women's trust, I talked about childcare costs and now glad it has been extended to 30-hours free childcare for 3-4year olds as well as tax free childcare being announced today. I was a small dot in this but every dot makes a change. And that's how I started to work locally and raise awareness of lthingsnsuch as talking about mental health in the Tamil community which is a taboo subject and meeting my local MP to talk about how to bring more young women into employment. And that's how little by little I'm making changes. All for my children. It might not be a big change by the time they grow up but it will be a change nevertheless. if other women thought "Why bother?", we would never had any the right to vote, made changes to American history by shutting down racism, knew about the horrors of the Holocaust and Harry Potter would have never existed! So, I encourage other women to #BeBoldForChange. It isn't easy, trust me,  but instead of complaining, you could put all that energy into makcing a change  happen about an issue that affects you. You might not see the benefit yourself but future generations might. whag better way to start making these changes today on International Wome Day. Don't be afraid, #BeBoldForChange!

Teaching your kid a second language!

'I can't do this!' I say to myself while trying not not to pull my hair out while Is staring at the whiteboard. I've undertaken the enormous task of teaching my mother tongue, Tamil. We tried language school for 2 years but it just got repetitive eith Laksha not learning much. Although e have learned more things over the last 2 months then she has done in language school sometimes, I just feel lost in translation eon Laksha.

Tamil is one of the oldest languages with Over 200+ letters so a complex language to say the least. In tamil, one letter change or wrong pronouciation will end up in a totally differ t world so we need to rely on sounds a lot. For example, they are 3 types of L.  So yep... you csnjncdeftand why it feels like a nightmare teaching your 7 year old our mother tongue but it's got to be done. So what do I do to help me and Laksha to learn our mother tongue/second language. Lots of visuals and to take it slowly (which even with that Lucky struggles because "she's got bad memory"). We use a lot of colours too and make it interactive. Sometimes I tell her to teach me a letter with all its different sounds and to come up with words. On other days, it's me dictating to Lucky some words with the sounds from the same letter family. But Lucky's favourite is to pretend to decipher codes. I write words or see movies titles and she''ll use her books to reveal what it says. It really excites her!

 But it's so hard to teach them when the child is so forgetful (an excuse she uses when she's too lazy to think)! She's not interested in learning the language which is another thing but if you don't know at least a second language. But how do you nmake that understand to a child who is still in her own bubble so not knowing how Learning a second language now can be advantageous to her future. I guess this is what as parents we need to deal with and blackmail them into learning something they don't want to. My blackmail is that i refuse to teach her French until She learns Tamil. . As someone born and bred in France I just need to teach her French and Laksha loves the language but no can do until Miss learns her Tamil! 

My Body, My Say

As government announces sex education and relationships education compulsory, I thought of last week when my Lucky's school invited parents for a special assembly about 'My body my say' which will also touch on sex education. I thought it was great. We were introduced to how they were going to teach this special syllabus to our kids. It was great to see this initiative. It was great to see this controversial topic being introduced at an early age!

No matter how much we try to protect our kids from this horrible world and acts, the kids are going to be exposed to one thing or another soon. Unfortunately the world is getting worse and the biggest fear as a mother to me is if my kids fell victims to those disgusting peadophile predators! And that's where I thought this initiative is fantastic! I taught my kids to not go with strangers or accept anything strangers give you but I never taught them or had the strength to teach them about saying 'no' to somebody who is doing something uncomfortable to them! So to my relief the school was opening a pathway for parents to also have these much needed conversations. And I was finally ready for it!

I don't want to think about what might happen but you still need to get your kids prepared for different circumstances especially when we are not there to hold their hand! And that's why I think this compulsory education on sex and relationships is vital! It would have certainly helped me a lot if I had it!!

World Book Day

World Book Day... one of mine and my children's favourite days! As a family we love to dress up and this day as we are all bookworms in the families is the best. But as a parent living in the edge, I don't have money to just buy an outfit. What I do is make them! Yes make them! It's a daunting task for me especially with my limited sewing skills but I enjoy every moment of it especially the joy in the kids face.

My first world book day was 2 years ago for Laksha. Her favourite book at the time was 'The Singing Meaid'. I tried to loook for a reasonable priced mermaid costume but the prices were outrageous. So I decided I'll buy the fabric and get it stitched by a professional. And that's when the shopkeeper gave me the idea to do it myself. The fabrics came just around £6. So with a new found confidence and a bit of imagination, I marched home. Laksha looked a bit worried not sure if I could actually make a mermaid. I wasn't sure myself but confident that I wasn't going to ruin it for her. It took me 3 nights to that costume. My husband laughed at the costume which quiet frankly didn't help but when I start something, I'm determine to finish it. 

On world book day itself, Lucky took one look at costume and immediately hugged me saying it was beautiful. That was enough. 3 night is starting and restarting as well as sweat paid off. But to my surprise, she also won best costume at school. Not to brag but I've won several awards but this one was my proudest moment.and it total, it only costs me £9 ( with the wig!)

Now Mahi's costume tomorrow didn't cost me a thing! I rummaged though clothes that didn't fit anymore and cut out bits from them and stitched it onto the necessary clothing. I'll also be using facepainting instead of buying the props and so £0 was spent! And Mahi's reaction on seeing his costume? Priceless!

So 

Nex time, rummage around your house and you'll definetely have enough to make your costume! And oh do it at little or no cost at all . A costume that your kids will cherish as it's made full of love. So don't tell me I didn't share any tips about making World Book Day less expensive!